how to break up

Joey broke up with me at lunchtime. We were in 6th grade, friends since pre-school, and had been boyfriend and girlfriend for almost a year. A few months earlier, I'd lost interest; yet I continued "dating" him (read: only dancing with him at canteens, sitting next to him in the movie theatre, and kissing him on the cheek occasionally) because he was so nice. Then Mike told Joey I'd called him stupid. That's all it took. I was so frustrated by the misunderstanding, and being broken up with by a boy I hadn't wanted to be with.

Multiple times since, I've wished I'd had the nerve and the courage to end it first. I told myself it was because I was a part of the hopeful bunch, but mostly it's because I was desperately avoiding being honest with myself. I wish I'd had this wisdom then.

Recognize the flaws. There are people in this world with whom we embrace less-than-ideal traits and annoying habits with more enthusiasm than others. It's a problem if you find that s/he's getting on your nerves often, if you find yourself being impatient with those silly things you used to be able to brush off; worse yet if you're getting fed up with what s/he wants to spend his or her time doing. Who are you to be so critical? Nobody deserves that. En plus, you don't have to find ways to ignore dissatisfaction nor twinges of resentment either. The right relationships are meant to make you and him/her happier, more at ease, supported.

Drop the FOBU. With all these negative thoughts and feelings, it should be easy to accept your current relationship is not meant to be... but then what? How About We coined FOBU as the fear of breaking up. And though it's legitimate, please know you cannot will yourself content. You don't have to. As a wise lady once told me, "I urge you to never settle. I urge you not to make decisions out of fear. Take leaps of faith. Make scary decisions. Sometimes what the universe, god, whatever you believe in has for us is right around the corner, but we are holding ourselves back." Confide in friends while you grapple with this.

Be kinder. Once you're ready and willing to break up with him/her, be kind. Keep in mind how great of a wo/man s/he is, how good his/her family has been to you, how many wonderful times you've had together. Respect him/her and your shared history as you break up. And don't forget to be kindest to yourself. You're not broken for not being in love. You're not a bad person for wanting something more. You're not crazy for feeling both relieved and devastated. Breakups suck. It's hard to unravel yourself from the entanglement of your relationship, to let go of his/her companionship. Take all the time and feelings you need. You'll be okay.

As you've probably guessed at this point, I'm single. It was the right thing to do, he was sadly on the same page, and I'm mostly okay... but I'd be lying if I said I didn't write this for me as much as I did for you. I was so hopeful I was going to experience love a second time, it had seemed so probable, and then I didn't. Gosh, even the story had sounded perfect! I think the worst part is knowing how much I want to be able to say, "And when I met you, my heart sighed."Alas, c'est la vie. Here's to hoping happier comes somewhat soon. Cue the experiences to savor in the mean time, and maybe, eventually, I'll want to mingle again, too.

{More photos of Malmö}