tales from an imperfect perfectionist

Ahoy there mateys! Hope you weekend was wonderful, because mine was certainly interesting ;). So much so that it has got me thinking a lot about they way that I approach life. Yes, life, as if it were one stagnant entity, even though I surely know that it is constantly changing and evolving. Oh I get so incredibly self-reflective at times. Anyway, despite my constant effort to present an outward appearance that is always put together, responsible, and fun... I am first to admit that I am hardly perfect. I mean, really, how could I be? I am merely a human being; a miraculous specimen that is as prone to flaws nearly as much s/he is to strength. 

[A.M. beverage: grande coffee, black]

Yet because of my obscenely high hopes for myself, I find that I often have the ability to be disappointed, most destructively, with myself. I make mistakes. all. the. time. I sometimes choose, or say, or do, the "wrong" thing. Now, allow me to elaborate in the vague story-telling proceedings:

[Breakfast: cinnamon raisin bagel with butter]

A: I slept through a very important freshman class, handed in a project a few days late, and received a test back with a very, very bad grade. Promptly after, I arrived at the gym that I had just joined and went to three exercise classes without having eaten lunch. I felt sick for the rest of the day.

[Spring in full-bloom, can't get enough]

B: I dated a high-school boyfriend until the early fall of my sophomore year. It was at that time that he broke up with me because of something that I did. I then spent the next four months feeling unworthy, in addition to not getting over him. I also became obsessed with keeping my apartment clean, and eating well strictly.

[Lunch: mid-afternoon Mediterranean Salmon Salad from Panera] 

C: I spent some of my time abroad feeling guilty for not physically being there for people I care about. I felt agonized and helpless. I literally lost multiple full nights of sleep as a result, and then often ate a fourth meal out of comfort. Weight gain came not too far after.

[K & I's Blue Tusk complete meal: beer for her, wine for me]

D: I let myself become involved with mentally, physically, or emotionally unhealthy people.

[Dinner: tuna & two pepper wrap]

Moral of the stories? Life went on, I am still me. I am an ultimately an intelligent and warm-hearted person and will always be. I can still take pride in all of the things that I have accomplished and, for the most part, I have not gone "wrong" in many of the choices I've made. I am lucky; I live a privileged life in many ways, I am loved by many worthwhile people. Nothing and no one is perfect but I need'nt blame myself for any of it. I can only try to do what's best, for me, at the present moment in time, and hope for a positive outcome.

[Saturday night on the town: myself (left) with wonderful bar-hopping friends]

I'm not saying that I don't believe in taking accountability for my actions, but most of the time, I can't help but think that no one deserves to punish themselves. Like I said, we are human beings, and as such need to accept, first, that we are more than capable of mistakes, and second, that we will survive them. No matter what your concern or worry, I hope that you know that you're not alone.

Being gentle means forgiving yourself when you mess up. We should learn from our mistakes, but we shouldn't beat the tar out of ourselves over them. The past is just that, past. Learn what went wrong and why. Make amends if you need to. Then drop it and move on."

Life is too short, too precious, to be wasted on people, places, and things that stifle our happiness, fulfillment, and well-being. Instead, let's try letting go, surround ourselves with everyone and everything that matters, be gentle with all, and actually live.